Dear Bill,

Oh, Bill, Bill, Bill, we were getting along so well! There you were, amusingly pointing out the foibles and eccentricities of our country and here I was chuckling, ‘Yes, that’s true, that’s sooo true!’ I hadn’t laughed out loud, when reading in public, since I read Spike Milligan’s Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall, leaving the other passengers in a crowded train compartment quietly concerned.

So, Bill, what went wrong? Backtracking only a few pages, you had earned my undying admiration for studying an old map with a magnifier to discover a right of way across an estate in Oxfordshire, circumventing the demand for a £2 payment for access; surely, a pro at the top of his game.

Then you came to Milton Keynes, which is, well… a bit different. Apparently, stumbling through bushes and woods without finding the city centre, you became exasperated and left promptly. Now, I know from your writing that parting from people in a huff is not an entirely unusual concept to you, but this episode left me dumbstruck.

MK city centre is located approximately half a mile away in a straight line, dead ahead, when you exit the train station. ‘Follow your nose’ could never be applied more accurately. The shopping centre, alone, is a building a quarter of a mile long! I appreciate that the city has developed, and the population has grown significantly since you came some years ago, but, to my knowledge, this building wasn’t hidden from view at the time of your visit. The humour of local youths, as seemingly everywhere else, has not advanced much beyond rearranging road and path direction signs, so that may not have helped. Even so, I think someone got out of bed the wrong side that morning and was a little grumpy.

Well, Bill, we are all grown up now and MK has become a city. Her Maj, the Queen, bless her soul, told us personally. However, our city is, as it always was, half hidden amidst a lush, green landscape.

So surely it is time you revisited the scene of the crime to see what you missed and, Bill, you missed plenty. Now, if I have provoked an inkling of abject remorse, and if you would like to right a wrong, I will be happy to meet you at the station to ensure that you find your way to the pavement. I will even get ’er indoors to make you a batch of her renowned fruit scones as a peace offering. I know this is a facile inducement, but I am hoping it will hit the spot.

I trust this finds you well and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

Terry Calvert
MK resident 1983 to date