May 10th: Dear Diary, after two years politely smiling at people on red routes it happened. I made a friend! I was walking to the Grange Farm Co-op: he was playing in the green space across the road. The most distinguished jet black fluffy cat wearing a collar that said ‘Dog’. After several strokes to cement the friendship, I went inside, got the usual comfort foods and a pack of treats for the cat named Dog. Luckily, he was still in the grass when I came out. As he approached me, a delivery robot started moving and startled Dog (the cat) who hid back in the grass.

June 14th: Dear Diary, I was over at the Grange Farm Co-op today, and I ran into my old friend Dog (the cat). He was pouncing and swiping at one of the robots. It was mostly playful I think, as he’d become very transfixed by the ariel. I put down a few treats next to where the robots park and left Dog (the cat) to it.

July 11th: Dear Diary, I saw Dog (the cat) taking a nap on top of one of the robots outside the primary school.

August 5th: Dear Diary, sometimes I do make myself laugh. I was cycling home past the car park for Hazeley Wood after picking up dinner for one when I saw Dog (the cat). He was with five robots, so I stopped a moment to narrate the scene:

‘You’ve never heard of terminator beep boop?!’

I then attempted a distinguished meow, but what came out sounded like, ‘Poor simple canine automatons, you cannot control humans through fear. For they shall never fear you more than their own loneliness. In this lies the key to their coercion.’

Dog (the cat) turned to look at me. I thought I’d imagined it but the robots were swivelling to face me as I left.

October 8th: Dear Diary, Dog (the cat) has turned to a life of crime. It was late. I was passing by the Co-op, and a lost-looking person asked if I’d help them find their phone by calling it. As they dialled, I asked what had happened. They’d stopped to stroke a cat but when they went to move on, one of the delivery robots was passing behind them, and they’d tripped and dropped their phone. The cat then picked it up and ran into the grass.

I asked, ‘Could the cat be described as distinguished?’

They made an expression but said, ‘Yes.’

I thought this was very out of character for Dog (the cat), and may have said that out loud. After a few minutes searching and several missed calls, the device was declared lost. I received my phone back, and the dialled number was deleted.

December 30th: Dear Diary, I received a strange message from an unknown number: Let’s hang out! Bring cat treats, batteries and urmm human food to Hazeley Wood car park. Also, friends don’t snitch. robot emoji + dog emoji (cat emoji)

I saved the number as Robot Paws.